Holiday Cheer

"Awwwright, missis," says the van driver, "where do you want 'em stowed?"

"Miss," says Miss Pond. "And I believe you mean to ask where should like 'it,' to be placed. Not 'them.'"

"Them. The 'ole van's for yours," says the driver.

"It is not," says Miss Pond.

"Is so, Miss," says the driver. "Says so on me little sheet. This lot to 39 Eglantine Crescent."

"You may take the Christmas tree through the kitchen door and then, with the greatest care neither to scatter dirt nor scratch surfaces, you may place it gently in the center of the sitting room. We do not accept delivery of the other item, as we did not order it."

"Looks to me like you did," says the driver, waving his little sheet.

"Listen here," says Miss Pond. "I don't care a fig for your little sheet. Bring in the tree, and take away that monstrosity directly you have finished."

"I'll just leave him on the front steps, then, shall I?" says the driver. "Give all the neighbors an 'oliday treat."

"If you do not do as instructed at once," says Miss Pond, "I am going to feed your little sheet to you and then feed you to the nutcracker."

"Steady on," says the driver. "I'm only trying to do me job."

"So am I," says Miss Pond. "Therefore, I decline delivery of the unwanted item. First, there is no room for it. Second, there are already peculiar men aplenty wandering around this house at all hours without adding yet another soldier to the mix. We are not a barrack."

"You is something, Miss, and no mistake," says the driver.

"Repeat that?" says Miss Pond.

"Nuffink," says the driver. "Peace on Earth, good will to all."

"That's what I thought you said," says Miss Pond.

And the driver began to unload the tree.